For me, I’m not talking spiritual as in a religious inspiration… but that the inspiration takes me to a different level–almost out of this world.

I probably sound bizarre and hallucinative (perhaps delusional), but I don’t think there’s another feeling (a feeling that rushes through your whole body) that encompasses how powerful the right inspiration can be. It’s a high not induced by any form of drug.

I am falling in love… and in this case, it’s not with a person.

I am stressing out because I trying to put my ALL into this quarter… and it’s finally ending in two weeks. I guess I haven’t put my “all” in to it, but I’ve probably put as close to my “all” as I have throughout the entirety of my student career. I know I feel like shit from all of the stress, but that’s temporary. I feel GREAT that I have put so much of myself into it and that I am trying so hard to do better.

I never tried very hard at school because I already did well… In high school I was the type of student that never did many assignments–I would do a few, you know… :) but when it came to the projects, essays, and exams I would do really well and that’s how I would get by. Then I realized I don’t want to live life half-assed so I tried to shape up.

I have so many great insights about myself and my friends… but when it comes to myself, that is all they really are. Just insights. I don’t think I ever try to change anything about them. When I do realize I have to change a part of myself to be the way I want to be… if it takes too much effort I usually forget about it or dismiss it. I know I have to do it, but I can’t. That is going to change. I am going to follow through with all of my efforts now. I started to do so around Christmas, and I feel so rejuvenated. I feel like I have finally been able to get that gasp of fresh air after being submerged for so long.

It’s a burst of light, a burst of energy and motivation, as well as a burst of innocence all brought back into my life.

I watched Good Will Hunting this evening… I love that movie, I relate so much with Will (Matt Damon)… I think I really needed to watch this movie again. I hadn’t seen in the movie in far too long, it was long overdue.

On another note… I found an old, almost empty bottle of perfume in one of my old purses. I sprayed some on before class–there are probably only a few more sprays left in that bottle, but I bought more (haha!) for when the time comes that it should run out.

It’s amazing how strong a scent is. As I sat down in class, the scent wrapped around me and I felt oddly euphoric and reminiscent. I realized this was the perfume I spent the majority of my last summer in. I got worried that it may bring back how summer is gone and not with me anymore, and the last thing I need in class is to feel sorrow… but instead the scent took me straight to those days, and those days only. It made me feel like falling in love all over again…

Secondly, I’ve been having weird dreams lately… Dreams that I don’t think I should be having. Or maybe I should be.

I just don’t think I should be having them because maybe it means I still have some unresolved issues… and problems with letting go. This alarmed me since I thought I was fine… but the way this dream affected my life made me think otherwise.

This may not be related, but perhaps it is. Increasingly through the months, I feel disconnected from everything. I’m using all that I have to hold on, but it seems I’m barely there. I’ve never felt so displaced, and out of control of my life. I usually feel like I have control, I’m the one steering the wheel. I just want everything in my life to return to how it was in the Fall–maybe even the Summer. But I can’t live life like that, I can’t keep wishing for my future to be in my past–that’s not how life works. I should be trying to further my growth on, not go back. I don’t know what is wrong with me, or if there even is anything wrong with me. The fact is, I don’t feel like I know anything right now and I’ve never experienced this kind of despair and panic before.

I have never known myself to be an emotional person, but I find myself full of emotions right now. Maybe my choice to live life as unattached as possible caused me to need the few things I did become attached to SO MUCH.

Yesterday I felt like I wanted to cry my eyes out, but I couldn’t… that is one of the worst feelings I have ever had… the sensation all throughout my body that I needed to let everything out but I had placed some sort of cap on me… a mental block that was impossible to break.

I’ve never been one to live in the past either, but now I am wondering if maybe I had that one chance to live life exactly how I wanted… but I was too afraid to–and now it’s all building up on me.

And now I find myself trying to accept every invitation and every opportunity to anything so I don’t risk missing out on something again…

But it won’t stop me from wondering still…

What have I done to myself?

You had a thriving personality and lit up the room wherever you went. After ninth grade we went to different high schools, but the memories of when we were together always will be treasured. You had an amazing soul and always knew how to make any situation better. May angels lead you in, love.

it’s a horrible feeling to realize that the trust was founded on false claims & bad judgment.

I thought about you in this sort of insatiably frustrated and confused way.

After a good while I realized I am no better than the rest of those girls that, despite all other opportunities, seek after those that, simply put, just don’t work–don’t match our personas, the relationships that constantly hurt us. At the same time, I came to an epiphany: you aren’t any better than the other guys. Why did I keep you up on a pedestal? Why was I kept prisoner of this stupid scenario of a silly dream? I finally realized that you aren’t anywhere close to being “the one” in my life.

“The One” in my life wouldn’t continue to put me down to a point where I couldn’t say anything back. “The One” wouldn’t fram me as a horrible monster. “The One” would love me and take me as I am.

You know, every single time we argued, it featured you bashing on me while I defended myself and apologized. What kind of backwards love is that? And to think… not once had I ever argued with you on all of your many faults–not even once. Why? I was weak, and I had this crazy idea that you wouldn’t take me if I criticized you. I don’t know why I let you do that to me, but you know what, now I’m stronger.

I’m happy I realized you aren’t worth my time. The experience, however, was worth it and I will cherish it. I wouldn’t want to learn this lesson twice, so I’ll keep it.

But… to think that you… had me… for this long: sickening. Maybe even gross.

However, I’ve got to hand it to you. You really did have a good hold on me. Until now :)

I think I’m finally free.

He received it the other night when he came over, rummaged through the shelves in our garage and decided to allow his head to fall into and get knicked by the corner of a picture frame. Ouch.

It was incredibly hard to not call him Harry Potter.