About Her.

[note: this "about me" was written summer 2006]

I’m a lucky girl.

If you don’t believe in luck, well, I guess you might say I had many wonderful things going for me. The best group of friends. My relationships were sound. My family was sound. My life was sound. I was the one to say, “each year only gets better and better,” and be stating a fact. However, this last year introduced a great amount of turbulence in my self-proclaimed “wonderful” life. Hence making it rather less-than-wonderful. Yet, in all that mess, I strengthened numerous relationships with people. Some of which I previously thought I couldn’t be any closer with, some with those I never imagined to become close with.

This summer continued to provide many trivial situations. I suppose you could say I found the “beauty” in the “breakdown,” except, it’s not much of a breakdown. This summer consisted of:

1. a quarter of school
2. meeting and getting to know a hefty amount of people from diverse backgrounds
3. a lot of internal growth
4. getting way closer with my brother
5. getting way closer with SO MANY people
6. a lot of family problems
7. wonderful memories

I think this summer allowed me to learn more about who I am, and also who I want to be. I suppose I also grew a lot closer to God. Yet, I still live my life for me. Maybe it’s selfish, and maybe you Christians out there can help me with that, but I’ve realized for a few years that you can’t live for other people. And I’d like to say I haven’t for that amount of time, but you never know.

My family is an odd bunch of people. My brother is a bit of an elitist, but I suppose he has good reason for it. Maybe it’s just a little-sister/big-brother complex, but I always thought he showed perfection in nearly everything he did. But maybe that’s just me.

My step-father is… well let’s just say he’s an odd one. I think all his years of being a child-psychiatrist took its toll. I might not be certified to make these opinions, but I think his deal is that the psychiatrist who spends all his hours helping “critical” people in serious issues/situations can’t have problems of their own. Maybe it’s also a mix of the typical male-stereotype that showing emotions may make you appear more weak. Not trying to offend anyone with that statement, except well, maybe my father. My personality may click better with my father, but that might also be because he doesn’t always act like a father many times. As in, it may click better because it’s like an acquaintance-to-acquaintance type of thing. However, I feel more for my mother. Maybe it’s a woman-to-woman type of thing, I’m not sure.

My mother… although she is a crazy asian mother, she is most definitely not a typical crazy asian mother. I’m an awful daughter. I think I cause my mother to worry too much, to yell too much, to go insane too much, and probably am the leading cause of stress in her life. I know I can’t make up for all that trouble I caused in her life, but I’m always there for her and she always looks to me to supply her daily fill of hugs. She used to be a lot more confident, and I think she lost her spark… or it definitely lessened.

I’m not trying to pick sides between parents and everything, but… it’s difficult not to since they’ll be getting a divorce rather soon. I’m not asking for your condolences or pity, so you can hold your tongue. I’m told I’m not too swell at showing my emotions, so I’m also having trouble with how I should react to this mess. Or not mess, it’s not a mess, but this situation. I mean, what do you do in this situation? I suppose my parents had a divorce a long time ago, but I was too young to remember, or have an impressioned scar from it.

Yet I still view myself as a lucky girl. I don’t know many people who are as close to my family as I am. I know nearly everything about my brother, and I can have numerous-hours-long conversations with him, as well as Mama and Papa Rose. I can talk to them about all of my problems, even though I don’t choose to, but I know that I can. I’m lucky with all of my friends. I’ve grown so much closer with them, we can do almost anything together and be fine. I can act however I wish to in front of them, and there’s no limit to how outrageous we can be. Or how loud and obnoxious we can be.

I am grateful for pretty much everything in my life right now. I can’t say all things, because I don’t want to go back and correct myself for being hypocritical.

My friend tells me I shouldn’t worry so much, but I am always worrying about practically everything. But I’m glad I do, because it keeps me, as well as my friends, more sound. It’s part of who I am, and a big part of how I became the way I am, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Sincerely,

Lana.