First of all, I love Elliott Smith’s Miss Misery — the early version.
Secondly, I’ve been having weird dreams lately… Dreams that I don’t think I should be having. Or maybe I should be.
I just don’t think I should be having them because maybe it means I still have some unresolved issues… and problems with letting go. This alarmed me since I thought I was fine… but the way this dream affected my life made me think otherwise.
This may not be related, but perhaps it is. Increasingly through the months, I feel disconnected from everything. I’m using all that I have to hold on, but it seems I’m barely there. I’ve never felt so displaced, and out of control of my life. I usually feel like I have control, I’m the one steering the wheel. I just want everything in my life to return to how it was in the Fall–maybe even the Summer. But I can’t live life like that, I can’t keep wishing for my future to be in my past–that’s not how life works. I should be trying to further my growth on, not go back. I don’t know what is wrong with me, or if there even is anything wrong with me. The fact is, I don’t feel like I know anything right now and I’ve never experienced this kind of despair and panic before.
I have never known myself to be an emotional person, but I find myself full of emotions right now. Maybe my choice to live life as unattached as possible caused me to need the few things I did become attached to SO MUCH.
Yesterday I felt like I wanted to cry my eyes out, but I couldn’t… that is one of the worst feelings I have ever had… the sensation all throughout my body that I needed to let everything out but I had placed some sort of cap on me… a mental block that was impossible to break.
I’ve never been one to live in the past either, but now I am wondering if maybe I had that one chance to live life exactly how I wanted… but I was too afraid to–and now it’s all building up on me.
And now I find myself trying to accept every invitation and every opportunity to anything so I don’t risk missing out on something again…
But it won’t stop me from wondering still…
What have I done to myself?
7 Comments
Sunday March 2, 2008 at 2:52 am
you may not realize it, but you display control over your life.
and you are more sane than many of us, don’t worry about it.
this is probably just a bump on the road, and you’ll return to the amazing, supreme go-getter you are.
i’ll always be with you
Sunday March 2, 2008 at 4:46 am
Maybe you’re right and there are some unresolved issues and it’s making its way to the surface right now. Embrace it. The sooner you do, hopefully the sooner it exhausts itself.
Sunday March 2, 2008 at 11:00 am
Thank you, I’ll try to.
Monday March 3, 2008 at 10:37 am
thanks for showing me that song.
but it’s sad :( don’t be down, love.
Wednesday March 5, 2008 at 7:54 am
of course, darling.
but we all have our ups & downs… I think I’m alright though.
Thursday March 6, 2008 at 7:13 am
That’s good, it’ll pass :)
Monday March 17, 2008 at 4:03 am
For what it’s worth, I’ve recently been regretting certain decisions I’ve made in my life which have had a profound impact on me socially, and I’ve been wishing I could be 19 or 20 again so that I could do things differently.
Why don’t you pretend that you’ve just been granted this wish, and live life intentionally from here on out? :)
P.S. If you’d like, I can tell you what the wrong decisions are, since you don’t have the benefit of hindsight.