assumptions.

I have a few different groups of friends. One group of incredibly close friends that I don’t see too often because schooling/higher education is first to hanging out. Another group of kids that I have known a long time, but have turned to more questionable and mind altering activities. A group of friends that have hanging out at higher priority to schooling/higher education. Various groups of friends based on regional locations… and etc, etc.

Anyway, two of my best friends (both from the first group I mentioned) wanted to talk to me about something. It turns out they were worried, angry, frustrated–the works–with me because in their minds…

I’ve changed a lot… and am growing further apart from them… and I’m hanging out with them less and have chosen, instead, to hang out with other folk that partake in illegal activities and do hard drugs… and are basically going nowhere further in their lives. They believe I am turning into this type of a person and are very worried about who I am becoming and the choices I am making and this new lifestyle I am taking on.

The funny thing is… that none of this is true. Well… I suppose I can understand how they might think we have grown apart a bit. But the honest truth is, I might have distanced myself recently from everyone that I know. I am trying to focus more on myself and what I must accomplish in order to have the future I desire… so I am working through the steps I need to take to better my life in the future.

So, in reality, I have not been living this glamorous lifestyle of sex, drugs, rock n’roll, etc. that they seem to be envisioning me having… I have been at home doing my studies, writing essays and papers, reading journals and texts, researching topics, creating and recording music, sketching and painting in my art book, capturing moments onto film (by photo and film lens)…

…Basically I missed my creative self that I had known a few years ago, and said hello to it again… which leaves little time for anything else outside of my school studies.

I explained this to them and they seemed a bit relieved… but we decided that once summer comes we can try to revitalize our once flourishing, exclusive, inseparable relationship.

I suppose I am just a bit taken aback at how they let these feelings evolve without actually discussing them with me in the first place… and how they managed to come up with this whole vision of me being something entirely apart from the truth…

All in all, at least it has been cleared up and taken care of.

my favourite spring dress.

so I entered this outfit into the “my favorite spring dress” contest…

so… you can all (& should!) vote for my entry! BECAUSE I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH :)

so you can… VOTE HERE <3

Thanks everyone!

I’m falling in love.

I don’t believe anything can measure up to an influential, mind-blowing, spiritual inspiration.

For me, I’m not talking spiritual as in a religious inspiration… but that the inspiration takes me to a different level–almost out of this world.

I probably sound bizarre and hallucinative (perhaps delusional), but I don’t think there’s another feeling (a feeling that rushes through your whole body) that encompasses how powerful the right inspiration can be. It’s a high not induced by any form of drug.

I am falling in love… and in this case, it’s not with a person.

Sky rockets in flight, Afternoon Delight!

I baked the BEST crumb cake last night :) I couldn’t decide on making more lemon bars, brownies, cupcakes, or crumb cake. I haven’t tried making crumb cake yet, so I picked that alternative. I find myself striving to try new things more lately, and I love it. There’s nothing like realizing you can and did do something new–without anyone’s assistance! However, I find myself addicted to this rewarding feeling.

I am stressing out because I trying to put my ALL into this quarter… and it’s finally ending in two weeks. I guess I haven’t put my “all” in to it, but I’ve probably put as close to my “all” as I have throughout the entirety of my student career. I know I feel like shit from all of the stress, but that’s temporary. I feel GREAT that I have put so much of myself into it and that I am trying so hard to do better.

I never tried very hard at school because I already did well… In high school I was the type of student that never did many assignments–I would do a few, you know… :) but when it came to the projects, essays, and exams I would do really well and that’s how I would get by. Then I realized I don’t want to live life half-assed so I tried to shape up.

I have so many great insights about myself and my friends… but when it comes to myself, that is all they really are. Just insights. I don’t think I ever try to change anything about them. When I do realize I have to change a part of myself to be the way I want to be… if it takes too much effort I usually forget about it or dismiss it. I know I have to do it, but I can’t. That is going to change. I am going to follow through with all of my efforts now. I started to do so around Christmas, and I feel so rejuvenated. I feel like I have finally been able to get that gasp of fresh air after being submerged for so long.

It’s a burst of light, a burst of energy and motivation, as well as a burst of innocence all brought back into my life.

I watched Good Will Hunting this evening… I love that movie, I relate so much with Will (Matt Damon)… I think I really needed to watch this movie again. I hadn’t seen in the movie in far too long, it was long overdue.

On another note… I found an old, almost empty bottle of perfume in one of my old purses. I sprayed some on before class–there are probably only a few more sprays left in that bottle, but I bought more (haha!) for when the time comes that it should run out.

It’s amazing how strong a scent is. As I sat down in class, the scent wrapped around me and I felt oddly euphoric and reminiscent. I realized this was the perfume I spent the majority of my last summer in. I got worried that it may bring back how summer is gone and not with me anymore, and the last thing I need in class is to feel sorrow… but instead the scent took me straight to those days, and those days only. It made me feel like falling in love all over again…

Complications.

So I had another sweet video of myself whilst acting unattractive. BUT, something happened while uploading it and now the audio doesn’t match up with the video. It was funny to watch, though, because it looked like I was the star of an Asian movie with some American person speaking for me.

Here’s some random pictures from the video, though… maybe you can guess what I was trying to say/do. Hahaha.

I completely aced my Psychology exam! Which is fantastic… but I’ve got another one in a week… then the next class meet after that will be the dreaded FINAL EXAM. <sarcasm>How lovely!</sarcasm>.

What else have I been up to… I played a game of scrabble online… it was some FaceBook application.

I need to learn how to SAVE MY MONEY, rather than spend it all… Well, I have a good amount of money… and I invested a good amount of it… but it’s just that I used to have so much MORE.

My mama’s boyfriend has a friend that owns a ranch… and he used to live on a ranch himself. So I asked him if I could stay at a ranch for a week and see what it’s like. I guess that may be how I spend one of my Summer weeks :)

Also in summer… I will get to go to New York for a family friend’s wedding! From there I’ll ditch my mother and meet up with another good family friend in Boston.

I had Spring Break plans to road trip down to California, visit my brother, and go to Disneyland… but my friend’s dad in Ukraine bought her surprise tickets for her to go see him in Ukraine. Now I’m not exactly sure what I will do… what else is new?

I’m tired as hell.

What does that even mean… Is HELL EVEN TIRED?

Whatever, you know what I mean. I have four papers to write, all due next Monday. Not including the two due this Monday (tomorrow). So, I ended up writing for about 8 hours straight without realizing it, until my stomach yelled at me to bring it food. So I ended up baking some brownies. My study buddy Stephane is here… even though he isn’t exactly in school. He’s just here for moral support I guess. My mother thinks he’s in school, though. She also believes that he happens to be in the same class!

I can only pray my daughter isn’t like me.

But honestly, it’s just moral support. I’m a good girl, really.  So, I guess I pray my daughter is like me.

& to take videos/pictures of me when I am tired… and almost dead.

Here’s me being camera-shy.

I LOVE HOW YOU CAN’T HEAR ME. Haha. & how I look kind of fat/ugly/retarded. I BLAME IT ON SCHOOL. Hahaha.

Here’s me feeling like a hippie.

& Here’s me if I had plastic surgery that went wrong.

AND NOW, we shall enjoy our brownies :)

It’s alright, some enchanted night I’ll be with you…

First of all, I love Elliott Smith’s Miss Misery — the early version.

Secondly, I’ve been having weird dreams lately… Dreams that I don’t think I should be having. Or maybe I should be.

I just don’t think I should be having them because maybe it means I still have some unresolved issues… and problems with letting go. This alarmed me since I thought I was fine… but the way this dream affected my life made me think otherwise.

This may not be related, but perhaps it is. Increasingly through the months, I feel disconnected from everything. I’m using all that I have to hold on, but it seems I’m barely there. I’ve never felt so displaced, and out of control of my life. I usually feel like I have control, I’m the one steering the wheel. I just want everything in my life to return to how it was in the Fall–maybe even the Summer. But I can’t live life like that, I can’t keep wishing for my future to be in my past–that’s not how life works. I should be trying to further my growth on, not go back. I don’t know what is wrong with me, or if there even is anything wrong with me. The fact is, I don’t feel like I know anything right now and I’ve never experienced this kind of despair and panic before.

I have never known myself to be an emotional person, but I find myself full of emotions right now. Maybe my choice to live life as unattached as possible caused me to need the few things I did become attached to SO MUCH.

Yesterday I felt like I wanted to cry my eyes out, but I couldn’t… that is one of the worst feelings I have ever had… the sensation all throughout my body that I needed to let everything out but I had placed some sort of cap on me… a mental block that was impossible to break.

I’ve never been one to live in the past either, but now I am wondering if maybe I had that one chance to live life exactly how I wanted… but I was too afraid to–and now it’s all building up on me.

And now I find myself trying to accept every invitation and every opportunity to anything so I don’t risk missing out on something again…

But it won’t stop me from wondering still…

What have I done to myself?

I ain’t never been no hero, Wade.

I was over at Neil’s place and we were bored out of our minds… until we discovered Neil’s Papa’s secret collection of old western films–score!

So we watched a few and they were fantastic. His dad came home early to find us watching his stash, and got incredibly ecstatic. He jumped on the couch next to me and started giving us all of this commentary, it was great.

Neil proposes we get some western wear costumes and go all out one day. I think he’s hilariously genius.

3:10 to Yuma came in the mail–yeah, I do the blockbuster/netflix thing–and I was so excited. I never had the time to see it during the summer.

I loved the movie. I loved Christian Bale–and Russell Crowe–in the movie, but I have always had a bit of a thing for Christian Bale :)

But… I think I’ve been watching too many old western movies…

Well, too bad, I love it.

Here comes the sun…

I finally saw No County For Old Men about a week ago. LOVED IT SO SO MUCH.

The sun has finally come out to play in Washington–well, finally stayed out for more than an hour–so the best friend and I decided to have a lovely afternoon at the park.

but first… we had to walk there like so:

…and run.which is a bit difficult because my dog, the little one, can’t walk too much… he’s far too lazy. Typical happenings on walk-the-dog adventures include the leashing up (this is probably the part he is most energetic and most excited). Then we have him rushing out with his little legs–it kind of looks like how Scooby first starts running away from something scary–or for a scooby snack? Then he’ll dispose of his liquids on every thing that sticks out at least 6 inches off the ground that stays still for a minute. Then he’ll peak and get tired… and make me carry him back home. He has such an easy life…

Anna’s gorgeous!

Here we are teaching lovely neighbourhood chillun’ how to seduce trees.

i’m not sure what is happening in this one… but it kind of looks like either karate, taibo, possibly taichi… maybe even a round of 80s aerobics with Richard Simmons or something like that.

THEN, we played some more and went home to watch The Tudors. Which made us a little bit excited to see The Other Boleyn Girl which is coming out soon!

I really wanted to make either brownies with mint chocolate chips–which we didn’t have. So I went to the store, and they didn’t have them either! But then I saw glorious things to make lemon bars with and bought that instead.

ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS!

I started singing Beatles songs, then we knew we had to rent Across the Universe. So we did, and it was lovely. Every time we watch it we want to dress up and go wild.

(Re-)Learning…

The people you want to stay the same will change, and the people you want to change will stay the same.